When an Overachiever Rebels - a brain dump

You ready for a brain dump?

Sometimes plans change.

Last week I gave you all an update on The Brightest Thread's editing progress, which was not nearly as far as I had planned. See, I seem to think I'm Wonder Woman, and I plan accordingly. A few months ago, while finishing up my second semester at business school, I sketched out big summer editing plans.

1. Finish compiling feedback from my beta readers before exams
2. Edit this entire novel before school starts again in September
3. In fact, get as much of TBT edited as possible before Realm Makers in mid-July

Ha! It's only the beginning of June, but things are already off track. Step 1 was finished a month after exams. And steps 2-3 are well on their way to . . . not being completed, at least not under that timeline. I am, after all, still plunking away at chapter one. And there are thirty more chapters to go, some of them gnarlier than others. (Hey, if gnarly is a word, then why can't gnarlier be one too, hmm?)

"But what's the big deal?" you might be wondering. "Just adjust your goals."

The Big Deal is that my brain is a giant, whirring to-do list. Doing, achieving, and checking off boxes is hardwired into my thought process. My personality just likes progress! While some people need to work up the will to get moving, I have to consciously rein myself back so that I STOP now and then. (Neither temperament is good or bad--it's just how we operate.)


This all means that backing off from an unrealistic goal usually feels more like admitting defeat than, um, being smart.

Now, I am starting to get better at adjusting my goals. I'm slowly learning how to pace myself so that I don't burn out so often. In the past few weeks, as I've watched the Goal Train pull far, far ahead of me until all I could make out was a tiny caboose, I had to pause and re-evaluate. Want to hear how that conversation with myself went? (The correct answer is yes, of course you do, and no, you don't have anything better to do at the moment like eat peanut butter or clean your room or rule the world.)

* * *

Me: So. Those editing goals we made? Yeah, we're awfully behind.


Also Me: Shush. We're fine.


Me: No, I mean one-third of our summer vacation is OVER. That means we should be at least ten chapters into The Brightest Thread revisions.


Also Me: Right, and we're perfectly--


Me: NO. THERE IS NO "PERFECTLY" ANYTHING. WE ARE STILL STUCK ON CHAPTER ONE.


Also Me: *is stressed*


Also Me: Okay. So let's do something about that. Let's make plans to work really, really hard the rest of June and all of July and August, and we can still make this happen.


Me: Oh, great, so I guess all we'll do is eat, sleep, edit, and go to work. It's not like we have an actual family or friends or--good heavens--a social life. Or a blog, or books to read so that the creative well doesn't dry up, or movies we want to see, or places we want to go, or even a summer we want to live.

from my recent road trip adventures

Also Me: WELL THEN WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

Me: Let's trash the goals.


Also Me: . . .


Also Me: Did you just hear yourself?


Me: I should hope so, because you and I are the same person and we are carrying on a conversation. (Wonder which one of us is Sméagol?)


Also Me: We never scrap the goals. Never.


Me: I know. And that's why you're tired.


Also Me: But sometimes you have to push on even when you're tired so that you build stamina. What about learning how to write fast and write even when you don't feel like it? That's what real authors do under contract! You do want a publishing deal one day, right?


Me: Calm down. You are doing just fine. Look, you wrote Mirrors Never Lie with full college classes and part-time shifts going on at the same time. You expanded The Brightest Thread into a novel last summer. You've written under deadline for a bunch of contests, and for even more self-imposed deadlines. You did the 100-for-100 challenge two summers ago. You know how to put your butt in the chair and fingers on the keyboard and write, and you'll just keep getting better at it. Choosing to slow down doesn't mean you're failing.


Also Me: Yeah, yeah, okay. But does this mean we have to break up TBT edits into two chunks? Leave it for eight months while we go back to school, and then come back to it next summer to finish? This will create so much extra work.


Me: But missing out on people and life in favor of meeting a goal kind of sucks. So I propose that we trash the goals, take the pressure off, and just see what happens. Let's make time for the important people in life, live in the moment, and really give TBT the time and care it needs rather than rush through a slapdash round of revisions.


Also Me: That sounds . . . kind of relieving. But what about Realm Makers? You're pitching TBT there! They say "complete manuscripts only!"


Me: TBT is complete. We're just improving it.


Also Me: But--


Me: Besides, you know how slowly the publishing business moves. Don't borrow troubles that don't exist yet.


Also Me: *sigh* Fine. I surrender. And who knows? With this new non-plan of no pressure, we might end up being more productive.


Me: Maybe. But don't push it.

* * *

also from the road trip

So that's my roundabout way of saying that I kicked my goals to the side and decided to keep a more balanced pace this summer. After two years of almost non-stop movement, I need a break. It's tough to admit it. After finally coming to grips with the fact that I wouldn't get much writing done at all during college this past year, I clung to the hope that I had all summer to write/edit as I pleased. What I didn't anticipate was the leftover fatigue. But you know what? Time and freedom and careful pondering are what my novel needs right now.

And I think The Brightest Thread will turn out better for it.

I still find myself looking over at those crumpled goals lying in the corner, wondering if maybe I'm being weak or undisciplined for putting them aside. But deep down, I know I'm not. I know this is another lesson in living the best possible life, a life in which I can work and play and be without guilt.

What about you? I know this felt like a "me, me, me" kind of post, but hopefully it was encouraging--especially for those of you who might be in a similar spot right now. (The humor of this post being published kind of late is not lost on me.) So tell me, how do you know when it's time to ease up and relax?

P.S. You may be wondering what's happened to this year's Silmarillion Awards. Never fear, they are still on the schedule! But we have elected to bump them a little bit later in the year, for reasons that Jenelle Schmidt so wonderfully explains HERE.